The Takeoff
Topic: From Dwayne to Mr Browne
Dwayne remember today: Out of many sunny days, there is one gloomy sky
They took my favorite girl from me today, she was crying on her way to the plane. I watched till i saw her takeoff.

You never know the effect you have on other people even the ones that let you know how they feel about you, even if you have a pretty good idea how they feel you will never really know. How you touched them along the way, it seems so insignificant when you share a few words with someone, until years later and they remind you of what you said. Some of the best people in your life are not with you everyday and they touch you seasonally and give you new meaning and fresh spirit with simple things, yah know like spring. There once was a girl who sat next to me in class, she lifted me where i fell short and from time to time she let me know the best places to walk and deep inside i cherished her for that and she never knew how important her words were to me.

The very next day, like the changing of the tide, like the person around the corner. Always try your best to make your words golden and aim for great things.

The day i saw the sun rise
Today i saw the sun rise and perch itself on a cloud. It brought life, breath and meaning to everything.

The Really Good Bath
Mood:  happy
and the way i feel? like i just had a good bath, cleansing the mind and soul. I feel near complete and strong with objectives in mind and therefore speak my mind in this blogg and not my "heart".

Misunderstanding My own
I cyant understand love, maybe i need it explained to me or sumting. Are they different types? different levels? how do you know if you feel love? Is it the weak feeling you get when you think of losing someone close to you? Or the stomach flutter you get when you see the girl you adore? I don't think i'm a cold person, infact i think i'm quite the opposite. I'm extremely passionate with strong words and feelings for whatever i believe in, but i speak with a cynical tongue and carry the aroma of cynicism. It stops me from thinking with the "heart". hmmmm.

New place
Right now, fate has brought me to a serengeti. Its bigger than the parks and savanhas i'm accustomed to. I can't see pass this horizon but i walk with faithful feet to the place i'm suppose to be. Its so incredibly rich with resources, oppurtunity and people that influence you and change your life forever. Out here, my mother told me, to think about the things that make you happy and respect life.

Sweet Imagination
[Step]
The other day I went to an earth, wind and fire concert and the music was beautiful, next time they're here i'll go again. Oh, and on thursday I heard the new stevie wonder song you told me about, for some reason i felt as though i heard it before.
[And Step]
Saturday for lunch I sat and had a guniess with winston browne at the cracker barrel and there was some nice anita baker playing on the radio but Today i'm gonna go to the CN tower with dane and christopher, maybe dane will bring his kid and Andrea will come too.
[And Step]
Last sunday i heard "You don't know my name" by Alicia Keys featured as a classic hit...I remember when I first heard that song back in 2003. And the saturday before that I had some great food at shane's wedding, i think the speech i made was good... i made everybody laugh. I think next week i'll take a trip to st.lucia with ramon and corie i haven't seen those guys in years.
[Last Step]
Ole years night was great, all the guys were there on the cruise with me, i can't remember the last time i party wid a-dam, andrew or jamaal but we had a good time. I saw jenille wharton on monday as a volunteer at the fund raiser for the sick, remember her? she was a real nice lady and she's still the same warm and caring person. This christmas i'm gonna take my mum, d-y, raoul, caren, dane and marlon to dinner at sandylane. We'll celebrate good times with roederer cristal and dom perignon.

Can you imagine?

The Monologue
Mood:  not sure
Topic: From Dwayne to Mr Browne
My current state Dwayne i don't even know how to explain how i feel right now. Infact its been like this for sometime now. I've lost my thoughts, my figurative soul and not to mention all my bearings and i've managed to do this all on my own. I'm changing right before my eyes, so now i'm worn and battered, miserable and uncharted. All words to describe where I am but not how i am or even who am i.

Once was lost but still not found. I know where i don't want to be but i cyant tell you where i prefer being. I can't get her out of my head, even when i'm occupied she stops for a visit and when i look into her eyes and i'm taken but won't allow her to take me a long ways from home. I can't help but think about growing with her and places we shud go and things we shud indulge in. But now everytings stopped in time.

Little faith If only she'd allow me to come to her. If only i could naturally grow but is this feasible? Dwayne its been months since I knew "what da fuck" was going on wid me. Was i wrong to want a break? I don't think i'm being fair but if i stay then how fair is that? I see me and her in so much places, so much great places. I want to know her inside out, i'm tired of being concerned with minor things but i know that comes with time.

In the thundering rain and at the end of this conversation i only have a song to console me but in her arms i'm so comfortable, she makes me feel at home and safe, i love her arms i never want to leave, I love her lips but total comfort and happiness is much more than a hug and a kiss. It requires understanding among other things, and at so many levels, patience. Let time be a determining factor Dwayne.

Yours Truly

The Perfect Reflection
My Current State disgusted by familiar traits years old. Still my music covers me. A transparent sheet of mellosmoothe but it doesn't feel the same to listen to music, it doesn't heal me like it used to or is it that my problems are older and bigger than i am or has music simply lost its essence?

In The Mirror From here, looking in at my reflection, i can see he's not happy. He's in a place called home far worse than 4 walls and no windows, with all the freedom in the world and no where to go. He's haunted by uncertainty, complaints, stressed by constant pressures from all angles and still he stops to look at me.

Face to face I know him better than he knows himself. I know all his faces as i know my own. I've watched him grow from a small child to a big child. I've seen him pose and dance but most of all I've seen him reflect. Reflect his emotions, his moods, and his energy through me. I know when he's hiding sumting. He can SURE hide it from them but he can't hide it from me. He's smooth, courageous and indifferent but still not where he wants to be and I see dissatisfaction and years of disappointment in his face when he stops to look at me.

Looking in?I'm privileged to have his reflection but he can't see that. Trapped in a world with mental constraints pass physical, he must fight everyday in his natural life to become the man he's supposed to be, "times closer than he was when he wasn't". Though his world extends mine, he's trapped. He can't standby and watch like me and I'M the reflection. Ironic? So perfect am I, the model of what could be, but I only exist when he stops to look at me.

The Phase
Remember
Right now i can only remember the part where she's next to me, and i can't even picture it but i feel a similar energy. That's what drugs do, they recreate shit and tease the senses. And though i can't remember what she looks like moving, expressing, showing her affections. I can still remember how she talks to me and takes care of me. I remember her clothes, her skin. Her eyes i can't remember but i do remember their dimension. Deep...full of a person i want to know and be with. Remember that engery i told you about? Well the fucker's still there touching me, caressing me, presenting itself to me in the form of a sweet tune. The click of a guitar, the dumb hit, the nicest piano playing i've ever heard and yah kno waht all this means? It means nothing cuz in the end whats gone is gone and what should be, might not be. I wonder if she's up now it 1:52am.

Discipline in 2004AD I know this is a phase. Maybe not my feelings for her, but how i feel about the situation sure is. The feelings i have for her carry the ability to stretch beyond elastic bounds and can exist in an extraordinary state but right now lay dormant. The thing is... of all the things i'm sure about, i'm sure i will still have feelings for brown sugar no matter what happens. Whose love drug plays at me like chocklit, a sister drug, a soul sister. Whose person has touched me where i like it and left me for dead. The sweet thing about this whole situation is that if it does come thru, i get to learn her all over again and experience an old drug for the first time. This will be the last time i write about my phase.

My current state
i got that feeling i get when i realise i going through shit but i'll let it fight itself like a cold in the throat. We don't always get what we want in life and everything we go through will not b str8 forward but we need to recognize that when it does come str8 forward that we need to shut up and get fucked, and whatever we do get is for us. No regrets. Oh and i'm also pretty happy.

The Source of My Misery
My Current State
i don't know what to say about my state. My thoughts are somewhere trapped between my heart and my head. I want to live day by day but i can't help but think about the day ahead and the day ahead. That much i know about the source of my misery.

Music has lost its essence My thoughts are so congested i can't even enjoy a song. My body has built up an immunity to sumting as sweet as essence, no tingly feeling, no soothing melody, no airy caress just SOUND. So i know now that music plays not only to our minds but it caters to us at a subconscious level and for me, losing that, makes me sad.

From time to time to time and time again, its like i'm onna emotional roller coaster. Now i'm angry, cuz the constant scream of my name rickets an echo at the far corners of my temple. It stains my walls, i hear it even when it isn't there and now its back. And time again, its time to take another break from the noise cause holding my temper is wearing me down. Don't touch me, I'm upset.

My role
takes many forms. I'm an entertainer, a lover, a friend, a trustee, a helper and for some i'm jus there. My character is baffling to some, others think they have it worked out but i have many faces. My passion is sumting i can't hide from myself or others, if you come closer, you could feel what i feel. It drives me in many directions and whether i'm up or down it pours out of me selflessly. When i think of who i am i make myself happy.

And the moral of my stupid story is?

The Unexpected Stranger II
My Current State
A deep yearning plays with my mind day after day, shuffling my thoughts, distracting me at times, putting me on pause and i like it. My stomach calls out for a tease to the brain. I'm starved hungry for more, curled up on this pillow but i like it. And now my thoughts are filled with insecurities, doubts, questions to my own rules while The negotiation is stronger than ever and it hurts so good and i like it.

The New Drug
Its been quite a while since i posted anything here. I guess drama drives us to express ourselves among other things but i'm sure i said that before. I'm sorry to have to refer to such a beautiful thing with such a hated word but not all drugs are bad. The title of this extract is misleading as well, i've taken this drug b4 i just never thought i'd ever have it again but then again its a new leaf with new expectations, new rules and a whole bunch of lessons learnt so y cyant it b a new drug too. I get high off her vibe.

Parellel Energy
Like two magnets, same length, same look but different brands. She absorbs my engery and reflects an amplified light. She has more flare than i do, i'm more relaxed than she is. I say for now i have found the right mix but how long can this last before the long arm of fate reaches out and pinches me. In reality soon i'll be surrounded by all the characters in my play then i will know how the truth sounds but for now mud never felt so good. Withdraw Symptom Her energy draws me in, i have to touch her skin, her presence makes me feel high, time flies by, her affections make me feel expensive and in the end to have her walk away curles my stomach. it burns brain cells.

The Next Day
My Current State I really want a hug, a touch, a caring word. I'm not miserable today, i'm alert, driven by my passion to achieve and to later celebrate that achievement.

The Noble Ram Still on my brain vacation. Today i stumbled across an online document about arians, yah kno people who are aries. I was amazed, i'm not the type to easily believe this sorta stuff, not playing down anyone who does but whoever wrote this was so on the fucking ball that my mouth was wide open. I would hate to think that there are 100's of thousands of people who fall under this template. I need someone else to read (not like someelse is really gonna give a shit) by i'll ask anyways. No i'm not gonna include what the document said in this log to make my writing anymore boring than it already is.

The Equinox When night equals day. Gotta cut down on some things i do, so bye fa now mary , you too Mr.spur. Especially the latter ah mean shit man i said i taking a brain vacation not a fucking brain fry. I thought i was going to bring up my guts last saturday. I only now brave enough to mention it and so i have decided to choose my drinks carefully from now on. Well i ain got nothing to write that is gonna make you think today so i just out fa now.

The Sand in My Shoe
My Current State Miserable like an old retired metal worker from the 50's. I want to relax but i'm nervy...too much coffee for the brain.

The Realisation today i was all over the place, mentally and phsyically. I guess i was trying to be productive. jar...this lil beanie reason to me today that maybe the reason y i'm so miserable is becuz my excessive thinking clashes with the outer me. So i'm a schitzo now lol. No seriously, i think it makes soo much sense. Yah see the outer me tries to be deep, listens to soothing music, wears comfortable, cool clothing, always tries to appear relaxed andn in tuned with the inner me. So basically i try to appear together, but in theory no one is together. Mental disorganization, instability makes us who we are. Anyways on the inside my thought factory is mad sick, infact keeping up appearences (which i don't think i do a very good job of) in it self requires TONs of thought. So the end result is the me and the I, fighting to always have ends meet.

The Vacation So...i've decided to take a brain vacation, it starts tuesday and ends when i get tired of not thinking. Atleast i made an effort (pre-excuse). lets see what people think of this one and by peoplee i mean persons that i directly relate to and interact with. Haven't you noticed that my blog is in standard, readable english? When you see the fagurative bullshit creep back in then you know i'm back from my trip.